I belong to a Facebook group for people who are affected by Bipolar Disorder and the most common topic that comes up is Bipolar Anger (BA): Why do we experience it so frequently and so intensely? How do we control it? How do we recover from it? The posts about this topic are the most difficult for me to read and/or reply to. I think it’s because it hits home just a little too close and when reading them, pangs of guilt, regret and sadness hit me unexpectedly. My anger has been unleashed on far too many people and too much property over the years. There was a time when anger (and sadness disguised as anger) were the only real emotions I felt. If you disagreed with me…boom! A rage would build inside. If you said the wrong thing to me…boom! You were an idiot. If I’m indecisive…boom! It’s your fault for not knowing what I want. And oftentimes, anger was just a mini-step into rage. I spent my late teens all the way through my late 20s angry. Bipolar Anger is a real thing and an often overlooked and misunderstood symptom. Dominique Castro, a contributing writer to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America, explains it well.
Bipolar rage is a waking nightmare for the person in it’s grips and for those in its path. It is uncontrollable, unstable, and unpredictable. With regular anger there’s usually a trigger, something you can pinpoint and go “Ah ha! This is what set them off and this is why it set them off.” With bipolar rage there does not necessarily need to be a trigger, it can show up without warning and is always absent of reason. It chooses chaos, it’s not the individual choosing to lose control. If anything, control is something we’re desperate to have and that desperation only makes our anger more chaotic.
NORMAL ANGER
Normal anger, or what I like to call Standard Package Anger, is a relational emotion that serves to express boundaries, protect vulnerabilities and avoid threats. For example, if you show up at my house unannounced, with a Christmas tree, two dogs, an ex-husband and violin, knowing full well that I’m an introvert with very clear boundaries around both my time and my home/safe space…then I will get angry. That’s a standard package kind of angry. That is the type of anger where one would simply breathe their way through the situation and either endure it, or respectfully enforce the boundaries in the moment. And then proceed to express that anger in a productive and meaningful way after the fact. The Standard Package Anger, if handled appropriately, gives opportunity for growth in oneself and in relationships.
BIPOLAR ANGER
Bipolar anger is different. It is triggered internally, like a switch that nobody controls. It generally happens in a manic or hypomanic state. It expresses itself irrationally and to such a degree that, at times, it causes irreparable damage to deeply meaningful relationships. This anger is more like a volcanic eruption. It comes on out of nowhere and if not soothed back into dormancy in time, it erupts and rages uncontrollably down the mountain destroying everything in its path for miles on end. All that can be done is to stay clear and assess the damage when it is all over. That’s the only way I know to describe it. It is a powerful force that is frightening for the one experiencing it as well as the one on the receiving end of it. It is a horrible experience.
MY EXPERIENCE
Although it hasn’t been this bad in a long time, for me it feels like this on the inside: I will be having a normal day and suddenly there will be a palpable shift. My heart skips and dampens and my vision tunnels a little bit. I start to get warm and within a few minutes, a landslide of negative thoughts invade my mind and EVERYTHING turns dark. At this point, I plead with myself to not let this happen as I feel myself getting angry. If I don’t catch it in time, it is game over. I feel like I am about to drown in anger and negativity and all I can do to stay afloat is fight. The more scared I get, the harder I fight. It’s like my thoughts are screaming: ‘Help Me!‘ ‘I’m Sorry!‘ ‘I Don’t Mean That!‘ but they are filtered through the negativity and anger and sound like: ‘I Hate You!‘ ‘You Are To Blame!‘ ‘Just Leave Me!‘ – and after so many times, they rightfully do.
WHAT HAS HELPED ME
Prevention – Like everybody else, we are vulnerable to our emotions when we are overtired, hungry, malnourished, overworked and not in connection with our spiritual side. Controlling my environment and taking care of myself is hands down the most powerful way to keep myself from falling victim to my anger. This is a responsibility we have to ourselves and to others. Take Care Of YOU!
Know What Helps – I took notes over the years of what types of healthy things would get me out of my head when I started to get angry. Figuring this out is vital. A strong defense is the best offense. Implementing these ‘tools’ to calm yourself in the throws of an anger attack is just as important as utilizing an epinephrine pen in the midst of an allergic reaction. They must always be readily available at the first sign of danger. Here is a small list of my go-to tools:
- Music
- Sleep
- A long ride with loud music
- Talking through it
- Sex
- Writing
- Exercise
- Praying
- Meditating
- Ice Cream
Recognize the Signs – Learning to recognize the signs of an anger onset is the second most important thing I have done. I have accepted that this is part of my medical condition and treating it early is the key. Like I said above, I can feel the switch, which means I am aware. My heart beats faster, things get tunneled and dark and those negative and self-deprecating thoughts creep in. Those are my S.O.S signs. When I recognize them, I immediately implement some of the actions I mentioned above. Quicker response time equals quicker recovery time and less collateral damage.
Analyze – Solve the problem! Knowing what my triggers are is a HUGE help in preventing and/or redirecting an episode of anger. Before I understood my triggers, they’d jump out at me like a game of ‘Whammy’ and send me headlong into some sort of emotional spiral. Now that I know what they look like, feel like, sound like, etc., I can anticipate them, avoid them or deal with them as they come. If I find myself in the beginning of an anger episode, I quickly run down the list and see if there is a trigger to be found. If there is, I cope with it. If there isn’t, then I try and rationalized my way through the feeling and not indulge the negative thoughts. Why am I angry? What was I doing when I got angry? Am I hungry? Have I had any water today? Is there a good reason to be angry and what is the appropriate level of anger to have in this situation? You must take the time to figure this out. Over time and with practice, these thoughts will be instinctual as soon as the feelings start.
Communicate – This is hard because we, as a society, are still fighting against stigma and opening up to people about my struggle with BP is difficult. But, if you are able to share this part of yourself with the people closest to you (the ones whom your anger is generally directed), then you will feel safe enough to communicate clearly and respectfully when these episodes are hitting. This helps the people around you know how to help you…which is what they want to do. It also offers you help, support and a sense of safety and wellbeing…which is what you need. And you get to keep those relationships. Win – Win!!!
Responding – When responding to someone about to have one of these anger episodes, there are a few things to know. First, abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse. I am responsible for my actions, my words and my relationships. If I abuse you, you have every right to walk away and should do so. With that disclaimer out of the way, all I can say is this…if you choose to stay, fortify yourself. This isn’t about you and no matter what is said, it still isn’t about you. Try and understand that this is a response to an extremely forceful and frightening emotion that showed up to the party COMPLETELY UNINVITED.
I have found that the very best way to help me when I get in this state is to show support, concern, and availability if I need you to help me navigate through the emotion. This allows me to trust you and not feel as though my defenses need to go up. When with Marc, he will do a few key things.
- He will look me in the eyes and ask what’s wrong. This shows me that I’m not burdening him…something I think people with mental illness struggle with.
- He asks me what I am thinking at that moment and if I know what triggered it. This gives him an idea of where I am in my head. From there he can combat my negative thoughts by reassuring me they aren’t true. And he can help me deal with whatever the trigger was.
- Much of the time, I just have to lead myself out of it. In those times, all he does is understand and not react.
- If I am really struggling, which doesn’t happen as much as it used to, I tell him. It is my responsibility to communicate my needs. Sometimes, I just need to talk through what I am thinking – and he simply listens. Sometimes, I need him to start talking about something completely unrelated to help me get out of my head and redirect my thoughts. Sometimes I just need the silence and his hand to hold. Most of the time, I just need him to get me to laughter. Laughter always works.
The people in our lives do not know what to do to help us unless we can articulate to both ourselves and to them what we need. We do not live in a silo. Our health issues affect those we share life with. We MUST do what we can to help them support us. Likewise, supporting us is a challenge, but understanding what is going on inside our head is a requirement. Taking the steps to do some preliminary research on the internet or reading a book or two about this condition could/would make a significant difference. If we want better, we need to strive to be so.
**I have two links under Resources regarding this matter. One is a study published by the International Society for Bipolar Disorders and the second is an article written by Dominique Castro from the Anxiety & Depression Association of America.
What is Normal Anyway? 