Disclaimer: These are journal entries that were written for my own edification and not for publication. However, these entries are pulled out selectively in order for you to see what the inner workings of my mind looks like when going through a manic, depressive or notably calm stretch. The rationale behind posting these is (1) to relate to others who go through this and (2) to help those who do not go through this to understand and be better equipped to handle the situation if someone you know is going through the same.
I didn’t sleep well last night. Worry plagued me. I keep telling myself I need to get into some sort of routine but just cannot seem to do it. I feel like I am going crazy. I never leave my house. I feel like I have successfully broken most ties with people ‘on the outside’ just because I’ve isolated. I don’t know why I cannot step out that door. It’s been over a year. I’m in my head all day and night. I haven’t had a counseling appointment in a couple of months. I’m overwhelmingly angry and afraid today and just want to sleep. I cannot snap out of this dark space. I just want to cry.
I haven’t heard much from God lately. I suppose it is my fault. I’ve run away from Him so much over the past year or two that I would have left me too. I feel hopeless today. The world is so awful and nothing is the same as it was. I hate it. Everything is virtual. Maine is so isolating. I just want to move but I feel so guilty leaving. The feelings are pretty intense today. I don’t think I took my meds today. I don’t think I took them yesterday. Fuck! I HATE HATE HATE my medication. AAAAHHHHHHH. I just want to scream.
I don’t think I have eaten. I should. My brain isn’t working. Maybe if I’d take my medication it would. Stupid. I nearly threw my work computer on the floor today. I logged in just fine this morning. I then logged out. When I tried to log back in, I couldn’t remember my password. For 30 minutes I tried. I literally screamed at the stupid thing. I finally walked away, came back and let muscle memory to take over and it worked. I’m dropping the ball at work. I hope they don’t notice. I feel like I’m dropping off the ledge. Maybe I am. Maybe after all this time dealing with this, this is when I lose it all together. I don’t know when this is going to pass. It’s been so long already. I should eat. I just don’t want to cook. I should vacuum. When did I allow my house to look so dirty? I just don’t care. Who comes over anyway? I just want to cry.
Deep breath. Get some water. Classical music. Keep writing. Focus. Just go out on the porch. It is nice out. You can do this. This is going to pass. Make an appointment with Melissa and stop cancelling. And for God’s sake Kim, eat! You haven’t eaten since yesterday. You are going to be fine. Marc will be home soon. You are going to be fine. You are going to be fine. Kim, you are going to be fine.
What is Normal Anyway? 